I've always considered myself a helpful and accommodating person. However, I recently realized that my tendency to prioritize others' needs over my own had become a form of people pleasing, impacting my personal and professional life. Today, I want to share my experiences and offer insights on overcoming people pleasing and setting healthy boundaries.
Throughout my life, I've had a natural ability to understand and meet the needs of others, often at the expense of my own self-care. This "people-pleasing" tendency has had its drawbacks. I've burned myself out by constantly saying "yes" to requests and neglecting to set boundaries at work and in my personal life. This experience made me realize that people pleasing is a quality I needed to address.
During a conversation with a coach, I was introduced to a concept that changed my perspective. She described people pleasing as "giving energy and compassion" to others, highlighting the positive aspects of this behavior. This reframing allowed me to have more self-compassion for displaying this trait, while also acknowledging the potential downsides.
The Consequences of People Pleasing
I've observed many ways that people pleasing can be harmful when taken to extremes or done without considering one's own needs and boundaries. Here are some examples:
Overextending oneself: People pleasers often struggle to say "no" and take on more than they can handle, leading to overwhelm and resentment. This can often lead to a victim mindset, where they feel powerless and blame others for their own overcommitment.
Ignoring personal needs: This often manifests as prioritizing others' desires over one's own, neglecting self-care and sacrificing personal values. I can personally relate to this, having fallen into the trap of neglecting my health and well-being by prioritizing others' needs for too long.
Seeking external validation: People pleasers often rely heavily on external approval for their sense of self-worth, basing their value on the opinions of others. This was a struggle for me personally, but shifting my mindset and recognizing my inherent value has made a profound difference.
People Pleasing & Relationships
During my professional journey, I fell into the trap of people-pleasing. Volunteering to help others with their projects, working late nights, and neglecting my personal life and well-being became the norm in an effort to impress managers and colleagues. However, this relentless pursuit of external validation ultimately hindered my own growth. Saying yes to everything led to burnout, impacted my physical health, stifled my creativity, and prevented me from showcasing my true potential. By prioritizing others' needs over my own, I inadvertently sidelined myself.
This experience has been a valuable lesson, teaching me the importance of setting healthy boundaries in future work relationships. I've actively honed my skills in negotiating work priorities and critically evaluating potential projects before committing to anything. Now, I approach my career with a newfound awareness, focusing on impactful contributions that align with both my personal and professional goals.
People-pleasing can also wreak havoc in personal relationships. In the past, I often found myself sacrificing my own needs and desires to make others happy, whether it be partners, friends, or family. This often manifested as saying yes to something I did not want to do, neglecting my hobbies and interests, or putting their needs before my own. This dynamic not only led to resentment and unhealthy relationship patterns, but also contributed to the loss of friendships due to my inability to have difficult conversations.
Working with a coach, I have been on a journey of self-discovery and have actively worked on asserting myself, setting boundaries, and saying "no." By confronting my fear of disappointing others and actively honing my communication skills, I've cultivated deeper, more authentic connections in my life. I now find myself readily engaging in honest conversations, navigating them with emotional control, and ultimately fostering deeper, more fulfilling relationships. The positive response to my honesty has been a pleasant surprise, preventing any resentment or disconnection from taking root.
Past Trauma’s Link to People Pleasing
Understanding the connection between trauma and people-pleasing has been a crucial step in my healing journey. Looking back, I recognize how past traumatic experiences from my childhood, including living in a constant state of tension due to my father's frequent outbursts, may have significantly contributed to my people-pleasing tendencies. Witnessing his unpredictable anger, often directed towards my family members, instilled a deep sense of fear and a constant need to walk on eggshells at home. This pervasive anxiety, coupled with the desperate hope of avoiding his volatile temper, likely led me to prioritize appeasing others and seeking external validation for my sense of worth.
The experiences of my childhood unknowingly shaped my coping mechanisms and conditioned me to prioritize the needs and moods of others. This realization, sparked by recent EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy for past trauma, has been a pivotal moment in my healing journey. It empowered me to develop healthier coping strategies, focus on my own needs and emotional well-being, and ultimately cultivate a more fulfilling and authentic life. The positive impact of EMDR therapy has been remarkable, further solidifying the importance of addressing past experiences for personal growth. If you are curious to learn more about EMDR therapy, I’ll share info in the references section below.
Managing People Pleasing & Setting Healthy Boundaries
Overcoming the habit of people pleasing and establishing healthy boundaries is a journey that requires time and practice. It starts with acknowledging your own needs and worth, learning to say "no" when necessary, and prioritizing self-care. Surrounding yourself with supportive individuals and seeking professional help can also be invaluable in this process.
Here are some tips to help you overcome people pleasing and set healthy boundaries:
Start by cultivating self-awareness. This involves understanding your values, needs, and limitations. The clearer you are about these aspects of yourself, the easier it becomes to communicate them effectively to others and set boundaries that align with your well-being.
Prioritize self-care. Make sure to prioritize your own needs and practice self-care regularly. Self-care is related to self-worth. Engage in activities that nourish your well-being and build self-compassion. By putting yourself first, you get in the practice of valuing yourself.
Evaluate your relationships. Take a critical yet compassionate look at your connections with family, friends, and colleagues. Identify relationships that nourish and support you, and those that leave you feeling drained or unfulfilled. Initiate honest conversations, expressing your needs and boundaries while actively listening to the other person's perspective. Remember, not all relationships can be salvaged. If certain connections consistently bring negativity or fail to improve despite genuine effort, consider letting them go to prioritize your well-being.
Cultivate supportive connections: Surround yourself with individuals who respect your boundaries and uplift your spirit. Be mindful of the energy you exchange in your relationships, and prioritize those that leave you feeling valued, cherished and supported. Set healthy limits on your time and emotional investment, ensuring you have the space and energy to nurture your own well-being.
Practice open communication. It’s hard for some of us to have difficult conversations or confront someone when we feel like our boundaries are being crossed. Learn how to give constructive feedback, ask for help, or say no. It takes baby steps to learn new ways to communicate your needs or concerns so allow yourself to make mistakes along the way.
People pleasing can be a deeply ingrained habit often rooted in childhood experiences or past traumas, but with awareness, effort, and self-compassion, you can break free from its limitations and build a life that prioritizes both your own well-being and healthy relationships. Remember, true empathy and compassion stem from a place of authenticity and self-care.
Resources
If you're looking for further support on your journey to overcome people pleasing, there are many resources available. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, Emily Gregory
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
7 Steps On How To Say NO, Stop People Pleasing & Prioritize Yourself, On Purpose with Jay Shetty Podcast
Find a therapist via Alma, a mental health platform that helps connect you with a therapist that takes your insurance
Learn more about EMDR and find an EMDR therapist near you at EMDR International Association.
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